I cannot lie. I am the worst person for sticking to diets and healthy eating. I absolutely love salads so i guess this works in my favor but I also love sweets and cakes and chocolate. Since a young age I’ve always struggled with my appearance. I do whatever I can to improve it and things will be going well and then one cheat day turns in to a cheat year and I’m 3 stone up.
Through school I wasn’t the skinny girl that could walk around in crop tops and feel great I wore the baggy jumpers and would never ever be caught dead in a bikini. In my eyes I was the big one. At a size 10 aged 14 to me this was awful. It wasn’t until at 19 I was at my biggest ever at a size 14 and would cry at the thought of having to go out anywhere and not look nice and beg for the days i was a size 10 back at school. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I was huge and a size 22 and my life was awful because of it, but weight and appearance effects girls in different ways and this has always bothered me.
2014 was a tough year. I split with my boyfriend at the time who I had been with for 3 years. This was where I suddenly started loosing weight, I put a lot of it down to stress and just not wanting to eat. You suddenly get out of the routine of dinner at 6 and snacks in front of the Tele for the rest of the night. I then lost my flat and moved back in with my dad. In my eyes this was a huge step back in my quest for adulthood. Among job changes and friendship losses I was suddenly down to a size 8/10 again and my confidence grew I met the father of my child and very quickly got pregnant. So much happened in that one year.
Then pregnancy was another step back in my quest for bikini body happiness. I loved being pregnant. I adored growing my child. Nothing made me happier than being pregnant and being able to feel my baby grow. I was very lucky and had a relatively (I say relatively because pre term labor wasn’t fun) easy pregnancy. It wasn’t until the last 2 months when i struggled to put my own socks on that I started to dislike
my pregnant body.
So many women tell you to embrace your child bearing body and to appreciate those ‘tiger stripes’ and your ‘mum tum’ there are women out there that will never experience that and for them I truly am sorry but I fucking hate it. I hate my stretch marks that make my stomach look mauled by an angry bear. I hate the fact that no matter how many sit ups I do I have this wrinkly excess of belly skin and split in between my stomach muscles. I hate that my boobs have stretch marks and have suddenly wrinkled back to useless deflated bags of air. I gained 3 stone whilst pregnant. Admittedly a lot of that was water and baby but still when you slim down and then boom not even a year later your back up to what you were this is a bit of a kick in the teeth. I was never lucky enough to be one of the mums that ‘Spring’ back in to there size 6 skinny jeans 3 days after giving birth, But I am truly grateful for the blessing that is my little terror and without all these things I wouldn’t have him.
Then I was engulfed in breast feeding which supposedly encourages weight loss.. Bollocks does it. As well as my new found motherhood, the midnight feedings, lack of sleep and the hormone imbalance the last thing I was thinking about was dieting. But i just couldn’t stop thinking about my weight and the way i looked.
Society has had a hand in this. Every time I look on social media, in the papers or even in the street, I constantly compare myself to others and how much better they look than I do. Not just in looks but in everything, what you are and aren’t doing with your child. Whether what your doing is good enough and the doubts that come with parenting. This could just be me but surely other women and possibly men do it too?
I had a very difficult relationship with my sons father. I am very open about the fact that he is an alcoholic, he is also a drug user and he was abusive but I honestly believed that I could change him and make him a better man and that he would be a great father and partner. I was wrong. I hold my hands up to that. He promised to change, it was always tomorrow and Tomorrow never came.
I left him.
I lost weight. And a lot of it. I finally got down to 9 stone. This had been my target for a long time. a lot longer than what i can remember. I still wasn’t happy with my body but I was happy. That’s when I met Tom. He changed the game for me. He made me realize that actually in a relationship you are equal. He made me see that there was never an excuse to harm your partner. He took my little terror in as his own and he loves us and I honestly believe this has helped towards my body confidence. He tells me how beautiful I look and for a second i believe it.
Since being with tom I have gained half a stone and I put a lot of this down to comfort and just lack of self control when it comes to sweets and chocolate
Now that I am happy as a person and with life itself I feel as though nothing and no one can stop me from achieving body happiness. I know I am never going to be a super model and I’m never going to be a size 6 but I will be healthy, I will get fitter. I want to improve my fitness level. We eat well and properly with the odd treat here and there. But now comes my fitness journey.
This year I have signed myself up for the Cancer Research 5k run in Taunton on the 16th July.
I cant go to the gym every night. For my lifestyle it isn’t practical to even try. I work, I have a 20 month old I have a house that no matter how much i pray, it doesn’t clean or take care of itself. I also have a partner that needs attention too. But i do have a pair of trainers and puppy. That’s where i will start. Walking more, with the buggy and the puppy. Jogging in the evening. Exercising at home. Getting out and exploring rather than sitting at home catching up on my most current series (although I’m sure i will still binge watch series)
This is where it all begins and where I take life my the balls and tell it to bring it on.