I had 100% abandoned my blog. And writing altogether. In fact I had abandoned myself.
has had been f*cking shit. There seems to have been more lows than their have highs and I kept dwelling on this. This was probably down to to my mindset but I constantly thought about all the crappy things that have happened this year so far and the last thing I wanted to do was write about it.
Writing for me is a vent. Its my way of releasing all my thoughts and for me its soothing. Whether I’m writing about Lincoln, what we’ve done, something I’ve seen it’s like my diary. And I ditched it. I couldn’t so much as sit in front of my laptop with out feeling like my brain was in over load. I had so much to say but I couldn’t put it down. Because then it had really happened. Even now I can’t do it.
So I quite literally said f*ck it. I shut the lid of my laptop and never opened it back up. I deleted the app on my phone. I removed my self from social media (Not completely, but enough to distance myself) I stopped baking. I was swallowed by my own attempt at escaping without physically leaving.
Many people would say thats depression rearing its ugly head. Where you stop doing the things that matter to you. For some thats getting out of bed in the morning, showering, taking care of yourself and those around you but as a mum I can’t do that. I can’t stop. So I go in to auto pilot. I cut out what I love and I focus 110% of my time on just getting through that day. Making sure Lincoln has everything he wants and needs. And that was it.
This past 4 months I have thrown myself in to exercise. Its been my release my antidepressant. Im ashamed to admit that my patience these past months has been non-existent. My temper flaring at so much as the dogs walking through the house with muddy feet. Its been ridiculous but in that moment it seemed like the most important thing in the world because I didn’t want to admit I was mad at the world for all the crappy stuff going on around me.
This has had a huge effect on so many of my relationships. Tom and I would spend evenings watching tele barely speaking because I would exhaust myself through the day trying to physically keep going that I let our relationship suffer.
I became the shouty mum snapping at Lincoln over quite literally spilt milk. At work things just got heavier and heavier, not work load wise that never changes, but when it came to working with family which is a challenge in itself I found myself hating something that I once loved. I would spend the entire day miserable my only excitement being the possibility of the gym or just climbing in to bed that night because my brain would finally stop turning.
I couldn’t tell you what has changed. I don’t know why today I felt ready to turn my laptop on. I don’t know if time is the real healer in everything and that people do go through dark places and come out on the other side a better and stronger person. That I cannot tell you but recently even with things ‘not going my way’ there have been things that have gone right. Tom has finally started his new job, something that we have been waiting months on, something that at one point I thought would never happen. Lincoln is thriving, talking, understanding, pushing every boundary but growing and learning with an incredible imagination. We may not have got this house of our dreams but we are working with the house that we do have to make it a home. Our wedding is coming on brilliantly with things booked I really am organised (for once) and we are enjoying every minute of the days we have together before the summer hits and Tom is out all hours of the day!